Survivor's Guilt
by Flash Foreward
Summary: How well did Ryan know Jessop? An expansion on S4 finale One of Our Own so there are spoilers, mostly in later chapters Other warnings: this story is Slash. Don't read if you don't like. Rated for language in future chapters. Chapter three is up! Complete
1. So It Begins

**Warnings:** This story is Slash. Do not read if you do not like. You have been warned. Also, spoilers for S4 finale.**  
Disclaimer:** Anything you recognize from CSI: Miami, it's not mine. Leonard Bertram and all of his evilness, however, is mine (muhahahahaha cough, choke)  
**Beta: **The wonderful Shadowfax27  
**A/N: **This is chapter one of three. Reviews are appreciated. etc... etc...

**Survivor's Guilt**

**1. So It Begins**

"_How well did you know Jessop?"_

"_He was starting patrol when I was leaving."_

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Oi, Wolfie, C'mere." Ryan sighed. He was on his way home after his last day on patrol, ready to cross the day off and prepare for his first day as a CSI. He glanced at the group of his friends from patrol that stood crowded around none other than Leonard Bertram. He sighed, knowing he had no choice where Bertram was involved, and he made his way over to them.

"What?"

"Well, first of all, we wanna introduce you to Aaron Jessop." Bertram made a grand motion with his hand towards the young man at his side. "And second of all..." Ryan was barely listening. His gaze had fallen on Jessop, who was nervously shifting his weight.

"Thanks," Ryan said when he was sure Bertram was finished, and he turned and left. The image of Jessop's face hung in his mind. The striking eyes, the full lips. The picture made part of him wish he wasn't leaving patrol, yet it also made part of him glad. He didn't need any distractions, but Aaron Jessop would have been a welcome one.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

_Jessop's POV_

They insisted that I had to meet Wolfe, the man who was leaving patrol to be a CSI. They said that I would like him. Neither of us could get a word in when we were introduced, but I don't think Ryan wanted to say anything. He just kept staring at me. I tried to stare back, to make him as nervous as he was making me, but my eyes shifted from person to person, only falling on Ryan for a millisecond before moving on.

Our eyes locked before he left. This time, my eyes stayed. I watched him walk away, wishing he wasn't leaving patrol.

"Hey, Jessop, wake up. You wanna go for some beers?" Leonard Bertram's voice shook my thoughts away.

"Nah, I've gotta get home."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ryan was nervous. He had cleaned his living room twice and had reorganized the medicine cabinet three times, always putting it back the way it had been to begin with. Tomorrow was the beginning of a new branch in his life. He would be a CSI.

The phone rang, and he jumped as the sound sliced through the silence. He grabbed the receiver and tried to calm himself down.

"Hello?" Ryan heard a muffled cough and waited patiently for a response.

"Hey, um, Ryan, right? This is Jessop."

"Jessop?"

"Aaron Jessop. Bertram introduced us."

"Oh, right. You're the new guy on patrol."

"Yeah." Neither of them spoke for a moment. Ryan was about to hang up when Jessop continued. "Listen, I was wondering, do you want to get a drink or something?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

_Jessop's POV_

Bertram made me take the number. He claimed that Wolfe was one of the guys every new patrolman should know, even if he was leaving. It didn't really take much prompting to get me to take the number. All it really took was the memory of Wolfe's eyes and they way they looked when he was staring at me.

I called him, but I wasn't sure what I would say. He made me nervous, even when I couldn't see him. It just slipped out. I didn't think he'd say yes.

We met at Davey's, a small bar about halfway between my place and Ryan's. It was fairly awkward at first. Ryan was constantly moving the napkin dispenser and condiments around. I wasn't much help either. I had taken out a napkin and started tearing it up, trying to find something to talk about.

We sipped our beers when they came and slowly began a conversation. We talked about interests and hobbies, favorite movies and books, it was as if we were avoiding work.

"How's Leo treating you?" It had to come sometime.

"He seems to think you're the most important person I should meet."

"That's Leo for you." Ryan said, laughing, but there was something behind that laugh. Some sort of hidden fact that made it less funny, I could see it hiding in Ryan's eyes.

We walked out together, side by side, still talking until we reached our cars. We said goodnight and went our separate ways.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It became a ritual. They met at Davey's once a week, if not twice. Ryan enjoyed the conversations they had, which often involved Bertram doing something to embarrass Jessop.

"And, yet again, I was at the receiving end. Not to mention the joke wasn't particularly good." It was a Saturday, and Ryan and Jessop were sitting at their usual table. It was the fourth weekend since the day they had met and both men were waiting for the other to make a move.

"Leo's jokes were never very good," Ryan said.

"I know but-" Jessop was cut off by a hand on his shoulder.

"Well, well! What have we here? Jess and the big bad Wolfie! What are you two doin' here?" Bertram loomed over them for a moment before sitting down next to Jessop, an arm draped across the back of Jessop's chair.

"Hey, Bertram, we were just talking about how your jokes suck," Ryan said. Bertram feigned a look of hurt, but Ryan kept his gaze on the uncomfortable look in Jessop's eyes and finished his beer. "And we have to go."

"We?" Bertram asked, a sly smile on his face.

"I gave Jessop a ride here, and I have to get home and finish some work." Ryan stated. Bertram laughed and winked at Ryan as he and Jessop stood to leave.

"You're a scoundrel, Wolfie!" Bertram called at their backs.

Ryan hadn't been lying entirely. He had given Jessop a ride, but he had nothing particularly interesting to do at home. Yet.

"Shall we continue our conversation?" Ryan asked. "Or would you like me to explain about Leo?"

Jessop shrugged.

"I'll explain, but I'll do it at my place. It's not something I like to think about while I'm driving."

The drive to Ryan's apartment was silent, interrupted only by the honking horns and screeching tires of the impatient. When Ryan parked, he glanced over at Jessop who seemed to have forgotten the encounter with Bertram. They walked inside in silence and sat down after Ryan had retrieved two beers. Still, they said nothing.

The silence was comfortable, though. Neither man felt pressured to break it, but neither would mind if it were broken.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

_Jessop's POV_

To say that officer Bertram makes me nervous would be a gross understatement, but that wasn't my problem at Davey's. Sure, Bertram pops out of nowhere, cracks bad jokes, and disappears again, but I could have taken that forever if he had never come to Davey's.

Davey's was a safe haven, a place I could go to escape Bertram, and now that was gone.

We went to Ryan's place, and I was grateful that he had gotten me out of there.

We sat on his couch, not talking. Ryan tried to say something a few times, twice I think, but just closed his mouth and smiled each time. Finally, he seemed to wrap his mind around what he wanted me to know.

"Bertram thinks he has everyone figured out. He thinks he knows everything about you the moment you meet. He thinks he can tell you what you want and why, and he thinks he can get it for you." Ryan stopped talking. I watched him, not caring if he spoke again.

He didn't.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ryan didn't know what else to say. He had summarized Bertram in a few well chosen sentences, but there was so much Jessop still needed to know, to be prepared.

Jessop was looking at him, and Ryan could feel the eyes trained on his head, but it wasn't an uncomfortable feeling. Like the silence, it was almost welcome. He turned his head so that he was facing Jessop and placed a hand on Jessop's shoulder.

Ryan knew his eyes were giving away how nervous he was, and he could feel his hands shaking, but he proceeded anyway. He searched Jessop's eyes for protest, but found none. He brought his head forward and placed a soft kiss on Jessop's lips.

They deepened the kiss, exploring each other's mouths, and only pulled away for the need to breath. Ryan stood, grabbed Jessop's hand, and led the way through the spotless apartment and into his bedroom.


	2. So It Ends

**Warnings: **This story is slash, don't read if you don't like.  
**Disclaimer: **Anything you recognize from CSI: Miami is not mine. Leonard Bertram and all of his evilness, however, is mine. (Muahahahahah cough, choke)  
**Beta: **The wonderful Shadowfax27  
**A/N: **Chapter two of three. Please R&R. Reviews keep me writing.

**2. So It Ends**

Ryan hoped the effort o to hide his tears was not noticeable, even though he was alone in the morgue. He placed the badge gently onto Jessop's chest and brushed back the young man's hair.

"Goodbye, Aaron," Ryan said. He glanced around before placing a final kiss on Jessop's forehead. He had debated whether or not he should, and had finally decided that although he wanted to keep the memory of Jessop's warm lips alive, the forehead would be all right.

He left, but didn't head for home. He went to a bar. A small bar near his place. Not Davey's, though. After they ran into Bertram there, they had started going to a little place called Statler and Waldorf, which was owned by someone a little too obsessed with Muppets.

His intent was to get drunk, but he couldn't. He just stared at his drink and, eventually, paid and left. He took only one sip.

He didn't want to go home; he couldn't face the emptiness that was waiting for him. He drove mechanically, not realizing where he was going until he got there. He had to force himself to get out of the car and knock on the door, and he dreaded looking into the face that waited on the other side.

"Wolfie, how're you holding up?" For being a son of a bitch, Bertram always seemed to know what to say.

"Can I crash here?" Ryan wasn't ready to talk.

"Of course, c'mon in."

Had he been at anyone else's house, Ryan would have felt like he was intruding. But Bertram deserved it.

"Why'd you do it, Leo?" Ryan asked after they had set up the couch. Bertram gave Ryan a sideways glance and sighed.

"Why'd you stop going to Davey's?"

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not."

Ryan glared at Bertram, wishing he knew what the other man was thinking.

"It was a place with no connection to work until you showed up."

"I didn't do anything except give you both a push. I saw your face the day I introduced you two. I did wha-"

"You played matchmaker. Again."

"I didn't think."

"Damn right you didn't think! You didn't think last time, either. And look where that got me!"

"Will you let me finish?" Bertram's eyes burned into Ryan, but Ryan nodded. "What happened the first time wasn't my fault, and it wasn't yours either." Bertram paused and Ryan jumped in, tears in his eyes.

"I was a fucking one night stand, Leo!"

"I know. I'm sorry. If I'd known what kind of man he was, I would have stayed out of it." Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but Bertram held up a hand. "I'm not done. I shot you down when I first met you because I didn't want to hurt you, and when he pulled that shit I was there to help you get over it. But Jessop was different, wasn't he?" Ryan nodded. "You loved him, didn't you?" Ryan nodded. "I was right, wasn't I?"

"No," Ryan whispered. "You should have stayed out of it."

"Go to bed."

"Leo!"

"Ryan."

And it was over.

Ryan woke up to see Bertram looming over him. He sat up quickly, trying to escape from Bertram's piercing gaze.

"What'd you do?" Ryan asked, his voice coated heavily by sleep.

"Nothing. Your friend Delko called, said you guys have a case. I think he suspects that we're up to something." Ryan glared at Bertram. He was irked even more by the laughter in Bertram's eyes.

"What did you do you, Leonard?" Ryan was fully awake now.

"Ooh, using my full name? Is that supposed to scare me?"

"Give me my phone," Ryan held out hi hand and waited. Bertram slipped the phone into Ryan's palm, a sly smile on his face.

Ryan left after threatening Bertram with bodily harm if he had done something.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Calleigh and Eric were already at the scene when he got there. He joined them by the body of a man with a knife in his back.

"Open and shut case, wife already confessed." Calleigh filled him in.

"Yep, we just have to clean up the edges." Eric added. Ryan nodded as Eric moved away to take pictures.

"I'd better call H, let him know you made it." Calleigh grabbed her phone and flipped it open. "Dang it! I could've sworn I charged this."

"Here, use mine." Ryan said, handing it to her as he bent down to examine the blood pool surrounding the body. It wasn't until the phone had switched hands that he realized what Bertram had done. _Too little, too late_, he thought as he listened to see how bad the damage was.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that you and Jessop, uh, kissing?" Calleigh asked. Ryan stood up and took the phone to change the background. He couldn't help but stare at the picture, remembering when they had taken it.

"Yeah. Don't, uh, tell." He looked up at her. She wanted to ask why he hadn't tried to ask for time off, but the look in his eyes made her stop. She placed a comforting hand on Ryan's shoulder and gave him a sad smile.

"Of course." She said and flipped open his phone to make her call, noting that he hadn't changed the background.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

They had solved the case, proving that the wife had been telling the truth. Ryan sat in the locker room, trying to decide if he should confront Bertram. He didn't hear Eric walk in, and he just stared in front of him as his colleague changed his shirt.

"Why do you and H get all the revenge?" He said it so quietly, Eric wasn't sure if he had heard correctly.

"What?"

"For Marisol. What about Jessop?"

Eric was at a loss for words as Ryan lifted his head so that their eyes met.

"What about Jessop's revenge?" _What about mine? _He almost added.

Ryan left before Eric could say anything, surprised he had let the words slip out. Eric just stared after him, trying to figure out what Ryan had said.


	3. And Yet Again

**Warnings: **This story is slash, don't read if you don't like.  
**Disclaimer:** What you recognize from CSI: Miami is not mine, Leonard Bertram, however, is! (Muhahahahaha cough, choke)  
**Beta: **shadowfax27  
**A/N: **This is it, the last chapter. Please R&R.

**3. And Yet Again**

Bertram was at a bar near the lab, watching a young Hispanic man get shot down by a very attractive young woman. He watched as the man walked down the length of the bar and sat on the only empty stool, the one next to him.

"She thinks you're gay." Bertram said, calmly.

"And why should she think that?"

"I told her you were."

"And you are?"

"Bertram. Leonard Bertram." Bertram held out his hand, but the other man just stared at him. "And who might you be?"

"Eric Delko," the man said. Eric and Bertram returned to their drinks, Eric glancing at Bertram every few minutes. "Why'd you tell her that?"

"Tell who what?" Bertram's face betrayed nothing, and Eric sighed.

"That woman, that I'm gay."

"It was funny," Bertram took a sip of his beer and laughed. "And you are."

"Oh, really? And how, may I ask, did you figure that out?" Eric inquired. He was tired and annoyed from being turned down, and Bertram's obvious amusement wasn't helping any.

"Well," Bertram paused and his phone began to ring. "Right on time! Hello?... No, Ryan, I promise I'm not meddling... I'm at home... I swear... Would I lie to you?... There's no need for name calling, now!... Okay, okay. I'm going home!" He slipped his phone back in his pocket, paid for his drink, and winked at Eric before leaving.

"What the hell?" Eric mumbled to himself, but all thoughts of Bertram left as one odd conversation led to the memory of another. They were replaced by Ryan's face earlier that evening. Eric couldn't shake Ryan's words or the look on his face.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ryan stood in his apartment, wishing he could rewind time, stop himself from saying anything to Eric. He felt like an idiot.

He tried to go to sleep, tried to feel comfortable in his bed, but he had to move to the couch. He still couldn't sleep, and he listened as the phone rang and then shifted to the answering machine.

"Hey, Ryan, it's Calleigh. I know it's late, but I wanted you to know that if you need to talk, you can always give me a call."

Ryan laughed. He was grateful for the offer (or was it more like a reminder?), but he didn't need a shoulder. The phone rang again a little later, and he still didn't answer it. He was glad he hadn't when he heard the voice on the answering machine.

"Hey, Ryan, it's Eric. I'm just calling to make sure you're okay. You had me a little worried in the locker room. Anyway, just seeing if you're okay."

For all of the energy he was putting into being mad at himself for what had happened in the locker room, he was relieved to hear Eric's concern. He reached a hand over and played the message again. He fell asleep listening to Eric's voice.

_Jessop is laughing._

"_What's funny?" Ryan asks._

"_You." Jessop pulls Ryan to him and kisses him. "You're cute when you're happy." Ryan's laughter joins Jessop's._

"_Well, thank you!" Ryan intertwines his fingers with Jessop's, but the other man pulls away._

"_Are you going to mourn?"_

"_I am."_

"_Are you going to move on?" Ryan is surprised that he knows what Jessop means._

"_Maybe, someday."_

"_Don't mourn forever, Ryan."_

_Jessop falls at Ryan's feet, lifeless and cold._

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Hey, Wolfie!" Ryan sighed but stopped walking to allow Bertram to catch up to him.

"What do you want, Leo?"

"Wanted to make sure you were all right." Ryan turned to face Bertram and froze. Over Bertram's shoulder, Ryan could see Eric walking towards them.

"I'm fine." Ryan said, trying to sound final so that Bertram would leave. Apparently, his body language had a different plan because the smirk on Bertram's face grew.

"Is that so?"

"Hey, Ryan. What's up?" Eric had reached them. Ryan couldn't decide if he was angry that Bertram was there or happy for the interruption.

"I'll see you around, Wolfie," Bertram said. He winked at Eric and then sauntered away.

"You know that guy?" Eric asked as they started towards the building.

"Friend from patrol." Ryan mumbled.

"Really? I wouldn't have thought so. I ran into him at a bar last night, he told some chick that I was gay." Ryan stopped walking and Eric looked over his shoulder to see what was going on. "Ryan? You all right, man?"

"Not again." Ryan turned and sprinted in the direction Bertram had gone. He got lucky; Bertram had stopped to talk to someone. Ryan paused to catch his breath before walking over to Bertram, tapping him on the shoulder, and then punching him in the jaw.

"Oi, Wolfie! Gimme a hand!" Bertram called from his position on the ground. Ryan grabbed Bertram's shirt and pulled him up.

"Stay out of it," he said. When Bertram gave him a confused look, Ryan pushed him back against the wall and pinned him there. He whispered the words, anger flowing through them like acid, his mouth right against Bertram's ear. "Stay the fuck out of it."

"Out of what, Woflie?" Ryan punched him again, this time in the stomach, and took a step back.

"Why do I stay friends with you?" Bertram straightened up and looked Ryan in the eyes.

"If I tell you, will you tell your boss you need some time off?"

"I don't!"

"Ryan. Will you?" They stared at each other for a moment, one pair of eyes full of anger and pain and the other calm. Ryan looked away first.

"Yes."

"You stay friends with me," Bertram lifted Ryan's head so that their eyes met again, "because I've always caught you on the way down."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ryan sat alone in his apartment, watching some stupid made for T.V. Movie. He wasn't crying anymore, which was an improvement, considering that the trash can was overflowing with tissues. His little fight with Bertram had been the stone that tipped the scale. It had really hit him then... Jessop was dead.

Eric had walked with him to tell H. He stood in the back of the room while Ryan explained why he needed time off. It wasn't until they left H's office that Ryan lost composure. He had collapsed against the wall, sobbing loudly. Eric had given him a hand to his car and then decided to drive Ryan home.

He had made sure that Ryan had all he needed before leaving and promising to check in after he was done working.

The man he had never thought would understand was the one helping him put the pieces back together. Bertram may have caught him, but it was Eric who helped him stand.

-Fin-


End file.
